Monday, January 9, 2012

On Happiness

Lying on the backseat of the car on the 4000 Kms Road Trip to goa I had promised to myself that Ill write an entry for every mood I experience.I was looking at sun through the leaves of trees passing by.

I wrote for Anger. Most of the entries represent despair anyways on Quixotic Quagmires

Today the Quixotic Knight writes about HAPPINESS. Pure Infinite Happiness.

I feel a happiness which I am basically too humble to describe.I want to take every last penny Ive earned in my life and then rob all the money i can and buy Firecrackers out of it and Lite up the fuking sky. I want to hold everyone I know and their neighbour and their Dog and THeir car and just fuking Cry.

I want to Run

I want to be alone and crouch in a corner and try to convince myself that I am allright.

Its as if I am living in the fast forward version of my life's movie. I am doing everything at thrice the speed.

I want to scream.

I want to and already am making a fool of myself.

I am honest with myself.

My mind my body and my soul are one right Now. Which is something which never happens. My soul longs for a freedom all the time and Mind keeps thinking all the time. Crazy stuff at that.

My soul is my body now and I feel free.

My fingertips are so cold that they are killing me, My feet are throbing so hard I think they'll come out of my socks like MothaFukin Superman on Asteriod Maaan

There's a silence around me.

I am giving a smile which makes my face change and I see a stranger in the mirror.

I'm trembling

And I am crying

Ice Cold Tears.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

The Butterfly's Siesta

Excerpts from my novel. The Character is alone and thinking.

The black sheep  came out of slumber one day and realized that it did not belong to the herd. Its been following the herd all its life but never realized the difference till now. Till this moment. It use to get this hunch that something was wrong all its life,but the feeling was like a butterfly's pause. Went away as quickly as it came. As randomly as it came.

This moment, in all probability shall pass too, as swiftly as it came.

We pause here !

What exactly is this moment? The moment when the black sheep realizes its different and does not belong here? This moment, which burns away like phosphorus as soon as its exposed. What is it?

Is it awakening? Or is it a reverie? It is but natural to believe that the state wherein we spend most of our time is our conscious state. The little moments when we see things which are exceptionally different are our "DREAMS"

Are we right?

What if we are in the state like that of a cocaine addict? Who is high on coke for 23 Hours a day, and is out of his delusionary world only for a few minutes everyday?

What exactly is the dream and what exactly is the reality then?

Its hard when you face the reality. I look at meyself in the "mirror". I hate myself. i hate my face. I hate my body. Is this how I look in front of everybody else?? Fuking Loser.

When the crystal ball breaks the prince and the princess fall apart like wasted fucking pieces of plastic.They in fact, were always wasted fuking pieces of plastic. It was the crystal facade which made them look Oh-so -Pretty.

That Crystal Broke.

Now its sharp pieces of glass on floor and two wasted fucking pieces of plastic. I hate them. Everyone hates them.They hate their own form.
Like I said before, its hard to face the reality.

Scratching the mirror I wonder, with that unexplained drop of tear in my eyes. I wonder if this is what i really look like? Every single molecule....No...Every single quark disagrees.
I'm Awesome.
I'm the most goddamn-Unicorn-doing-cartwheels-on-a-harley-breathing-fire awesome soul Ive ever known. I am a  Mothafuking Ninja out to kick your teeth with my effortless awesomeness!

Why then, do I not look like that?

Is body not supposed to  be the reflection of one's soul?? If that's true, how come I dont look like mine?
Or is it that I am a horrible soul?
If body is a reflection of soul then what a despicable soul I am ?

Or is it the opposite way? Better the soul gets more energy it absorbs and less awesome you look?

Or is it that the two of them are independent of each other??

That would be horrifying....Head of a beautiful princess with head of Medussa with serpents as her hair and worms oozing out of her face and holes instead of Eyes....Both heads on one body like Siamese twins.

That would be scary. Body and Soul have to have a connection.

What stupid thoughts??

In Plato's "Symposium" Plato says people were initlly Hermaphrodites before they came to planet.Until god split them and now they wander around searching for the other part. Love in fact is the longing for the half we lost.

What if it wasn't true?? If we in fact still were hermaphrodites? Two beings co-existing No, what if we were hermaphrodites indeed? Hermaphrodites not just in terms in terms of sex but also in terms of every contrast possible. Good and Evil. Kindness and Cruelty.......every way

From what i see, not only are two beings living in one , but in fact its a conglomeration of a lot of people bound in one body. We are a different person every hour. Like fingerprints. No two can ever be the same. A new person is born inside us and dies every hour. Thousands of short lives bound in the guise of one!!!

  • What then, keeps a control on this crowd?
  • How then do we find this symmetry in one individual and life, in such dynamics?

[[            Wait

Before I proceed further, please note that I just refuted the awesomest Ninja of them all...PLATO.

What Audacity???

I know. But Plato said that God split us into two, into two individuals. its at this point that I decided to raise my doubts.
WHat caused the miniscule nothingness of despicable me to even think like this?

It was the Big Daddy Nietzsche!! He declares in Thus spake Zarathustara that GOD IS DEAD.
To counter an Ass kicking Nut Cracking Ninja (Plato) one needs Transgalactic Laser Eye Samurai
Hence my friends........The Audacity. More on this later

Back to my questions

  • What then, keeps a control on this crowd within us?
  • How then do we find this symmetry in one individual and life, in such dynamics?
In "Unbearable Lightness of Being", Milind Kundera writes that people are similar to each other upto the last one millionth part save one. Its that one part which forms the "I". The individual. 
                                                Or something like that.

This can explain symmetry between to different individuals. Can it explain the symmetry in one single individual. ?


The control and the symmetry both point in one direction. While we exist as a crowd of different individuals cramped up in one body.Each one lies its small defined life and leaves.There's got to be a control center which is above all of them. It is above them all. Above us. A control center which doesn't change. A constant. 

Makes sense. In equation consisting of variables, constant is the one which determines the locus, the direction, the form.

Makes Sense. 

So if there's a control center in the body which keeps the check on the various individuals and as a results governs us as a whole, what exactly is free will then???

If there is a constant which controls the actions and direction if this equation called the SELF, then what exactly is FREE WILL?

Its Bullshite. 

There is no free will. There's got to be a biological evidence to this theory though. 

Otherwise it all falls like a pack of cards.

If there is no control center, there is no constant. 
When there is no constant, there's no direction. 
With no direction, variables are useless.
So then the concept of various individuals in one is crap.

If multitudes are proved wrong, then duality ceases to exist as well. 
So the concept of two beings is false. 
So then maybe Plato is right!
Maybe we were split into two separate individuals.
Which means Nietzsche can be wrong.

Maybe God is not dead afterall ?

Like a pack of cards, everything falls. 

I need to do some deep research on this concept of control center and free will I reckon !!


The Pearls

As the twilight breaks in,
the curtains depart to reveal the moonlight dancing on the waves.
So beautiful, it humbles the graceful waves
like a silver anklet on her !

So divine that it makes the ankle look dark.
The twilight fades away, and the darker it gets.
With twilight's silent footsteps fading away, the shine gets stronger
So sparkling that lake looks like an ingnificant bride coverd in gold !

With million lights shining on the lake,
Its the Moon pearls which are constant
which embrace it, control it.
Why, I wonder, would pearls so divine
define something as kitsch as a "limit"?
Why this anklet is so still, so constant?

Is it a shackle?

As the shine gets stronger and the lake darker
Why does this anklet look more like a Noose around a black mask?

Perhaps beauty does indeed lie in the eyes of the beholder.


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